This connects on so many levels to what I experienced with M that I don’t even know where to begin.
- Unawareness vs ignorance — I can’t tell you how many times I’d mention the racist origins of things that came up in conversation ( icecream truck music, my refusal to participate in “Eeny Meeny, Miny Moe”, phrases like “prescious cargo”) and when reality hit, she’d disconnect and either say something like “well Nevermind then” or “you’re going to ruin so many good memories for me”. Apparently her nostalgia is more important than being the “ally” she presents herself as to marginalized groups
- Buck breaking — she has a clear black male fetish. I can’t say whether it’s a simplistic and base as some,. If I could have made such a determination, I would have not wasted so much of my time with her. she constantly suggested that I engage in sex with men and eagerly asked if she could be present. This despite learning of my history of sexual trauma and several seemingly (in retrospect) deliberate instances of her saying incredibly inflammatory things directly related to some of the traumatic things I’d experienced.
- A front to your sense of self — this is core for most of you/us who have shame and rejection complexes. many people walk around, expecting other others to conform to their preconceived notions and rarely take time to consider that there are variances and deviations that are not a personal affront to the individual. You become an example for many of us who are autistic is the slight pause after someone has said something. During the fraction of a second, while we are replaying in our head, what we just heard, and trying to determine whether our understanding of the words is congruent with what was intended by the speaker some, particularly those with shame and rejection complexes decide that that pause is born out of discussed or rejection instead of a desire for clarity. I found myself constantly reminding M that my brain functions differently than hers and rather than except that new information she chose to attack me for behaviors over which I had no control, and which she chose to see as confirmation of the rejection and shame that she had cooked up in her head
- Racism — in the end when she had worked herself into an outburst based on her own idiotic assumptions and unaddressed emotional baggage, she split and started leveling racially charged accusations about me to people like Megan, who were stupid enough to believe it, despite seeing evidence every day in every interaction with me to the contrary. It’s easy for Megan to believe him when she says that I became controlling and possessive because I’m a black male even though nothing I did was controlling or possessive.  it’s a common belief that black men, abuse, women particularly white women and for him to use such racist bullshit against me was appalling. It’s even more so for Megan because she adopted a black child