As autistics we are often inclined to see ourselves as the ones who need to give ground when there is conflict. Years of being told not to fidget, not to bounce our legs, not to spin around, not to grunt or clear our throat. It all results in a feeling that we’re expected to change in order to accommodate others.

We often don’t see the same sort of consideration in return. Sometimes we think “well, I’ll give ground now and maybe next time they’ll give a little…” but it rarely works out like that.

Here is M apologizing for lashing out at me because of her unresolved issues with Henry. I didn’t deserve that treatment. I saw that she was hurt and I wanted to comfort her. That became a theme in our relationship. She had terrible emotional regulation. She’d say/do really hurtful shit, I’d tell her that I understood and we’d move on. Yet, when she perceives that I’ve changed my position on something, she doesn’t engage me in an open and honest discussion. She cuts and runs. She devalues me, she gaslights, she discards, she abuses.

More of me modifying my behavior because she hasn’t dealt with her own emotional baggage.

She did talk a good game about wanting to understand me though.

Here she asks for the space to sound stupid and entitled without judgement. Being the people pleasing accommodating person that I am, I agree thinking that one day she’ll return the favor

Here she is not returning the favor.