I’m torn.

When I started with this whole thing. I thought “great now I have an outlet for my grieving process” but honestly two things have changed my perspective and the related need for mourning the loss of my relationship with M.

1. M’s behavior is pretty trash and it took one text message from her for me to put into perspective just how crappy a person she can be. The message in question stated simply “stop messaging me”. The sense of relief I felt was palpable. Finally I had confirmation that she’s not ready to take accountability for her shitty behavior. I behaved poorly and I apologized for it. I can’t stand people who don’t stand to account for the things they have done and seeing that message from her gave me a better since of relief than 6 months of therapy could have. She’s been shitty, she’s being shitty, and I’m better off not wasting time thinking about her and her feelings. That realization settled about 50% of my greif
2. My community is awesome. The groups with which I shared the poem are made up of awesome people. I’ve gotten great support from fellow autistics who have been through the exact same scenario that I was subject to: denial of autism and/or warnings about specific traits followed by complaints of not being emotionally available followed by restating the thing about autism and “I want to give you what you need, my brain just works differently so please help me be there for you in the way that you need/want” followed by ridiculous arguments where they are gaslighted, shutout, etc. The parallels are uncanny. I’ve basically piggybacked on other people’s experience and now need much less in the way of mourning.

I don’t know what to do from here. I still want to process much of my thoughts about what happened in the open but now I’m more happy to be rid of a person with shitty behavior who won’t take accountability than I am sad that someone I loved ended our relationship because she was dismissive of my concerns and pleas for understanding about our communication styles leading to her judging me by a NT standard when I’m anything but NT.