I can’t go through an exhaustive list of every single instance of abuse that I was subject to by M. I also want to make it clear that I do not believe (for now) that she was intentionally abusive in every case. People are both complex and complicated. When she and I got together, I mentioned to her that the first significant relationship after a major breakup usually doesn’t last, statistically speaking. She’d been coming to the end of a 25 year marriage with a partner who, according to her, was abusive and became overbearing and toxic at the end. She came into our relationship not having resolved her feelings about the end of that prior situation and clearly had apparent hangups tied to him and his behavior.

In effect I was paying for his sins.

There’s more to it but that’s at least part of it.

The Thumb

I was once asked not to do the thumbs up sign which, for a guy who was raised in the 90s with stoner flicks and Wayn’s World, is torture. Do you have any idea how many times a day I’d say “zhang!” and slowly raise my thumb while nodding with a grin? Add to that the fact that I’m autistic and moving my hands while I speak is one of my stems. For the woman I loved, I was willing to accommodate.

The Gaslighting

This toxic train reared it’s head multiple times and in a variety of ways. The most common was for her to tell me what I was thinking or doing even though I wasn’t/didn’t/hadn’t.

“You changed your views” — no I didn’t

“You don’t have empathy” — I do, I just show it differently. Let’s work together to help me know how to show it to you in a way that you appreciate

“You have access to the full range of human emotion. I’ve seen it” — for the 1000th time: NO! Just because I mask well and have automatic/scripted responses does not mean that what you think you saw is what it actually was.

The verbal attacks

• Dismissing and invalidation

The silent treatment

<<WORK IN PROGRESS>>