This is a great break down of the anecdotal experience many people have with Emotional Blindness. My experience is quite different but parts of what she discusses really resonate with me.

This video on the other hand brings it all home. The part where she discusses the example of two people having lunch is exactly the dynamic that existed with me and my abuser (M.)

The abuse

Some people take exception with my use of the word “abuse”. It’s important for me to clarify that not all abuse is born of malice. To put it another way, there is intentional abuse and unintentional abuse. I’m not claiming that my abuser, M., did things specifically to be abusive to me. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse.

• “Can’t you just…” — I would get this dismissive response whenever I’d explain why I took a particular course of action or said something in a particular way. Once I needed to get away because of anxiety and went upstairs to my office “the only place that was close to ‘min’ where I could have privacy and process my emotions”. M. came in and saw that I was upset, she asked what was wrong and I said to her “I’m scared and trying to process my emotions”. Days later she yelled at me saying “.. and you go upstairs like you’re throwing a tantrum, thinking of all the worst…Can’t you just come and ask me what I’m thinking?!?!?”. I responded “…my brain doesn’t work that way.”. The look of incredulity and disdain was paralyzing. You would have thought that I’d just slapped her with a handful of dung.
• “…it’s a legitimate question…” — in one of our conversations about emotional needs I was asked a question that I honestly don’t remember. What I do remember is that after it was asked it was immediately followed by “It’s a legitimate question!!!” To which I responded, “I never said it wasn’t. I’m thinking about how to respond”. Apparently my face made an expression that she interpreted as me being dismissive or mocking because once I got out “…never said it wasn’t.” she bulldozed the rest of my response with “you said it with your face”. I tried to remind her that my facial expressions don’t match what most people expect/do in various situation. We’d discussed this a number of times in the past but her indignation at the perceived slight just wouldn’t allow her to see it as anything other than me being an asshole to her for no reason. “Oh so your face just happened to do that right at the perfect time for me to think you’re not taking me seriously?!!?!”. Uhhh yeah… I told you that I’m autistic. That shit happens.
• “Uhh yeah obviously…” — I’d told M a number of times that I ask questions to clarify things that most people take for granted and that many people think I’m being an ass when really I just need clarification because I hate jumping to conclusions and making assumptions. I told her that I was having difficulty processing my emotions about someone she’d planed to spend time with when she told me she’d rather not have me at our home. I asked her if she was upset with something I’d said and with more venom and vitriol than I’ve heard from anyone ever in life she said “uhh yeah obviously I’m upset…”. It wasn’t obvious to me. She acted like I was an ass for asking a question about her emotional state because how dare I not intuit the shit I’ve told her is impossible for me to intuit. At best I can make an educated guess that sometimes turns out to be accurate, SOMETIMES.
• The gaslighting — When I tried to explain to her that I had “emotional blindness” and “an inability to access the full range of human emotional expression” she blew me off saying “ohhhh, I’ve seen you express the full range of human emotions. I know you can do it.” I tried three different ways to get her to understand and accept that I am different and that this is important to the way we communicate. Each time she dismissed what I was saying and inserted her perception in place of my reality.
• More gaslighting — I’d be told “…you have no empathy…” to which I’d respond “I have empathy, I just don’t now how to show it in a way that registers for you. I need to learn your patterns so I can give you what you need”. I’d get back her substitution for my reality with “no you just lack empathy”
• Even more gaslighting — The biggest issue with “emotional blindness” that I faced was when she’d yell at me an claim that I said something that I didn’t say. It would typically go like this:
  her: you said …. Respect…
  me: no, what I said was….. which yeah is about respect but not in the way you just mentioned
  her: so now you’re changing your story
  me: no, I’m clarifying that I didn’t say what you claim I said. Yes it used the same words but not in the same way
• Unrealistic expectations — Take the above scenario and fast forward a few minutes. The whole time this exchange is going on, she’s getting more and more charged emotionally but I don’t see it because I’m hyper focused on the false assertions she’s making about what I’ve said. I fixate on the facts especially when emotional charge is in the air because facts are immutable and emotions are not. Eventually she blows up with something like “You’re more interested in reciting facts than comforting me when I’m standing here crying”. I respond with “I’m sorry I didn’t know you were crying”. I go to hug her but she feels cold and detached as if she thinks I’m intentionally withholding from her the emotional support she wants.
• Attacked for sharing my thoughts — in the beginning of our relationship I told M. that I tend to share my thoughts because sometimes I don’t know how I feel about something until I’ve had time to process and consider a number of aspects and perspectives. I said “I like to let people know where my head is because there may be something I’m not aware of but sometimes people take that and jump to conclusions about what I’m thinking or feeling. I get attacked for the assumptions they’ve made.” Fast forward to the Monday before we broke up and she tells me that she had planned to spend time with someone who I feel doesn’t deserve her attention. Further she’s told me that she would prefer that I not be present at our home because she needs time for herself and she’d planned to have this person come over during that time. I tell her that I’m trying to process my feelings and that I don’t know how I’ll feel in the end but that at the moment it’s hard not to see this as a slight. I’m working on ways to see it differently but right now it hurts to know that while she asked me not to be home she’s inviting him over. She gets upset and eventually yells at me saying that I’m seeing it as a competition and how dare I make it about me when her friend is dying of cancer? I tried to tell her that I’m still processing my feelings and I don’t know how I’ll feel in the end but I don’t understand why she’s so upset and she counters with something like
  her: you said you were hurt because I chose to make time for my friend who’s dying!!
  me: I said I was processing and don’t know how I’ll feel about it. I’m trying to see it as something other than a slight. Why does that make you upset?
  her: No! You’re telling me that it’s wrong for me to…
  me: I’ve never said anything about it being wrong. I feel slighted but I’m trying to see it from other perspectives to figure out…
  her: You don’t tell people they’ve hurt you and then get to walk it back by saying your processing
  me: I never said you hurt me. I said I felt hurt knowing you wanted to spend time with him while asking me not to be at our home