The calm sober realization that someone you loved never loved you is incredibly liberating. It hurts but, for me, the profound pity I feel for those that keep using others in an attempt to fill an un-fillable void mutes much of the pain.
I’m not talking about the bullshit quid pro quo rationalizations that people concoct to justify their feelings not being loved. These usually take the form of “if you loved me then…“
No, I’m talking about something so fundamental that statements as macroscopic as that have no meaning. Some people are missing something in themselves that makes them either unwilling or incapable of trusting another person enough to actually love.
Some cling to familiarity as a proxy for love. Some seek novelty hoping that this new person who doesn’t know about all of the shameful things from one’s past will accept them for the person they pretend to be in the moment. The thing is, that person doesn’t really exist. Acceptance of that avatar is a constant reminder that the person behind it is so full of shame and/or guilt that they are terrified of being exposed. Rejection of the avatar is taken as rejection of the person. It’s a lose:lose situation for anyone unlucky enough to try to love and show compassion to them.
On our first date M mentioned the idea of being raped by one of her sons twice. Once in the context of how she loves her children so much that there’s nothing they could do to make her not love them. I think she mistakes loyalty and familiarity for love. The talks so much shit about people she allegedly loves that with hindsight a clear pattern emerges.
Her friend Kari, Karyn, her sister Elizabeth, Brock, everybody she claims to love is someone she claims treats her like shit or stole her idea or is living some part of her dream: not because they have common goals but because they stole the idea from her (her sister’s farmstead for example)
Many autists love automatically. Many of us are abused because of our ability to love unconditionally. I wouldn’t trade what we have for the cynical bullshit that M thinks of as love. I would, however, caution all of my fellow autists to evaluate whether the person you love deserves the trust that you’re offering as part of that love. Not everyone knows or understands that trust is fundamental. Protect yourselves. We tend to feel very deeply.
Update 8-21-2024: t
This just popped up in my feed. It seems to check out