This is the script I should get round to recording it shortly. I’ll update once I do.

The conversation I wanted to have
Me: ok. You and I both seem to be talking past each other and want to clear the air. I apologize for shifty things I did. I knew that sending the thumbs up pic would get at you and I did it deliberately because I was hurt and confused. I cleared out the playlist out of spite because you had shut off communication right after a week of subjecting me to the cruelest abuse I’ve ever experienced. Yes, more cruel than the abuse you and I discussed from my childhood and predatory relationships in adulthood.

You: How was I abusive? You’re the one who got controlling and possessive

Me: I’ll tell you exactly how but first I want to start with an overview and then talk about the specifics of that night we talked about the Dresser and the night at dinner. Then we can get to the abuse bits. Ok?

You: fine

Me: ok. On the 25th of May you came up to my office and noticed that I was emotionally distressed. You asked me what was wrong and I told you that I was scared. You seem upset and I feel like I’m not meeting your needs emotionally. You hugged me then send me a text message sometime later after a brief exchange that said, in part “Know that love you
1 miss you when we aren’t together
1 love the space you hold in my life
I get excited every time i know i get to see you I want to be in your life as long as you’ll allow me
love learning about you And how you think
Tlove the scent of you
I wear your clothes when i miss you”. Then on the 29th you told me that you’d given the bottom drawer of the dresser to Meghan since I wsn’t using it.

You: yeah and you got all pissed off about it

Me: no, I didn’t but we’ll get to that ok?

You: fine

Me: ok so I responded and said that it felt like I was being pushed out but that I was still processing my thoughts. Then we had that conversation on Friday the 2nd of June about me being late after work and your emotional needs and stuff. You had told me earlier in the week that you wanted me to not be around Sunday through Tuesday which is when I’m normally at home with you. On Monday you asked if I wanted to take you out to dinner, we had an argument and then didn’t speak much then you informed me that the relationship wasn’t “working for” you

Does that sound about right for you?

You: yeah.

Me: ok and sometime before that there was the conversation about Art Bar right?

You: yeah where you started being controlling and possessive

Me: ok so let’s start with the dresser drawer. You told me that you’d given space in my dresser to Meghan because I wasn’t using it right/

You: Well it’s actually MY dresser not yours. See, you’re being possessive. I should be able to make space for my girlfriend in my house without your flipping out about it!

Me: Do you remember the conversation we had back in April shortly after you two started getting close and I said something like “Hey we might have to work out parking arrangements and a place to keep her stuff if she’s going to be your girlfriend. I mean I have a parking space, a closet, and a dresser” and you responded with “…well you pay for the privilege” ?

You: oh! Yeah, I forgot about that.

Me: Better Yet! Do you remember when you pointed out that I wasn’t using the dresser and I told you that I’d ordered stuff but it just hadn’t arrived yet? You said something like “it better get here soon. I mean, you’re paying for that space and not even using it”? Or even Better still when you told me about the closet being mine, the medicine cabinet, and the shelf all being mine because of me paying rent? I mean to be clear you said the office, half of the medicine cabinet, the shelf, and then the dresser and the closet. It was all tied to the fact that I’m paying bills in “our home” which is what we’d agreed. it was our home, not your home where I visit. We were supposed to be partners. 50/50 despite the fact that I can’t be there all the time to protect my interest.

You: Right! So you think just because you’re paying bills you get to tell me what to do with my own dresser?

Me: If the dresser was mine because I was renting, then yes! That’s what renting is all about. I have possession and control of the dresser because I’m paying for it.

Even with that, when you told me about Meghan I said “I don’t want to make a big deal about this. When we agreed to have me move in we were supposed to be a partnership. 50/50 is what we agreed to but you seem to be taking stuff out of my 50 to give to your other partners. It feels like I’m being pushed out”

You cried, said that you would tell Meghan that she couldn’t have the drawer and I said “no, I love Meghan, I want her to be welcome in our home. Plus, I know what it’s like to be told that something is yours and then have it taken away and I don’t want to do that to her. She can keep it but it feels like we need to discuss what our arrangement is because we seem to have two different views”

How can I be “possessive and controlling” if I’m giving up control of something I’m paying to possess?

You: yeah but you seemed really pissed so I know it was a bigger deal than you made it sound like.

Me: I wasn’t pissed. I was tired. I told you that I have “emotional blindness” AKA alexithymia and that you shouldn’t read into my facial expressions because they often don’t match my mood

You: Well why didn’t you way you weren’t pissed

Me : I did

You: yeah but saying you felt pushed out is a pretty big thing.

Me: yeah and this was the first time I said anything about it despite the three other times you did the exact same thing.

You: Did what exact same thing?

Me: You told me something was mine because I was paying for it, then allocated it for use by your other partners (who are not paying for shit). It’s like you expect me to subsidize your lifestyle with your girlfriends.

There was the medicine cabinet where you said, half of it was mine. Then suddenly the middle section is dedicated to Karen and Meghan so my half went down to my third.

Then there was the shelf where my shelf became the community shelf for Me, Meghan, and Karen

You: yeah and you got so pissed that you took your stuff out

Me: I did’t get pissed. I couldn’t understand how you could be so inconsiderate. I get that you’re excited about your new partners but you made a deal and then changed without talking to me first, as your partner and as someone paying the bills. 50/50 remember? If I’d gotten pissed I would have said something about it. I didn’t even mention it. You are the one who brought it up. Then there was the office. It’s my office but it had Chuck’s shit in it. I love Meghan’s dog I chose not to make a big deal out of it but of the spaces that you said were mine because I was paying bills, only the closet wasn’t reappropriate. Do you have any idea how selfish and fucked up that is?

You: You’re right. I got wrapped up in the excitement of suddenly having all of these people care for me and I didn’t think about the affect it would have on you.

Me: Let’s talk about Rolando. He’s cheating or has cheated on his girlfriend Danielle to spend time with you. You and I have discussed numerous times how he’s not the quality type of person I’d like for you to spend time with but that I don’t have to live your life. I don’t think he’s capable of treating you with the respect you deserve or that I demand for my partner but if you want to spend time with him I won’t get in the way. If he can’t respect the woman he chose to have as his girlfriend how can he respect you the way you deserve and if he doesn’t respect you then how can he respect our relationship? My conclusion is that he doesn’t but that he’ll pretend to enough to get his dick wet. This is all stuff we’d discussed and settled.

You: yeah so I don’t understand why it suddenly became a competition between you two when I chose to spend time with my friend who is dying. What I do with my time is none of your business.

Me: you are right. What you do with your time is your business. Do you not see a pattern here though of you reallocating things that are mine by right to others? You take my space in the house that I’m paying for and give it to your girlfriend. You take my time that I’m supposed to be at our house and allocate it to a guy who is incapable of honoring and respecting our relationship. Yeah he ended up not coming through which is another sign of his lack of respect but the point holds.

When I said “I’m still processing my feelings but I’m trying to not see this as a slight” I wasn’t talking about competing with him. I’m talking about yet another instance of you taking what is mine and giving it to someone else. That was my time to be at our home. You asked for time for yourself. I actually don’t even mind Rolando being there whether you fucked or didn’t fuck. I only care that you didn’t have the decency to think of me as your partner and say “hey, I know you are not a fan of Rolando but he and I are going to hang out today. I hope you’re not offended”. That’s called common fucking courtesy which you clearly lack if your conduct with me is any indicator.

You: well how am I supposed to know it’s not about you being possessive cause he’s a guy?

Me: oh I don’t know maybe the box of condoms I gave you when you told me back in like January or February that you wanted to fuck him. Better Yet, the text message I sent you asking if it would be problematic for me to come up on that prior Friday morning to work from there in the morning.

You: What’s that got to do with Rolando?

Me: don’t you remember that you told me he’d be there that Thursday evening? Again, he didn’t show up but you messaged me saying he was going to be there an may end up staying overnight. I didn’t say anything. I only asked if me coming up on Friday morning would be a problem. Why? Because even though I think he behaves like a piece of shit, you care about him and I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable in our home if you two decided to get busy and I was there before he left the next morning. Yet you decided to assume that is was some controlling possessive shit. Fuck you very much for that.

You: How was I supposed to know? You never said any of that. Why didn’t you just say that? The way you said what you said made it seem like…

Me: 1) you weren’t supposed to know. Remember when we talked about me moving in and how most cohabitation relationship after a major breakup don’t last because of poor communication and unreasonable expectations? Remember how I said that I didn’t want to do this unless we both committed to having open honest communication? You failed. You could have talked to me about your concerns. Instead you chose to ruminate and discuss shit with Meghan that should have been discussed with your partner not your girlfriend. 2) I’m fucking autistic. I told you that I was still processing my feelings. I told you many times before that I need to be able to talk about and share my feelings as I process them and not be judged on the processing but on the final answer. You judged me not on even what I said but what you assumed was behind what I was saying. All I said was that I was trying to not see it as a slight. I shouldn’t have to put qualifiers and conditions on that because I told you that I was still processing my feelings.

You: But you seemed so upset. It looked like you were getting possessive.

Me: Emotional Blindness remember? I was tired, you had been all over the place emotionally, I was concerned for you and trying to reconcile your shitty treatment of me earlier in the week so I didn’t have enough processing power to make my face look happy and cheerful, sorry. It takes fucking effort to school my facial expressions in the best of circumstances and even then I fail about 40% of the time because; say it with me: I’m fucking autistic!!!! I have Alexithymia which means my facial expressions cannot be relied on to reflect what I feel emotionally

You: What about Art Bar you changed your view on me hooking up when you asked that question about me flirting with other men.

Me: no i didn’t change my mind. I asked you how you’d like for me to handle it if someone did something disrespectful to you in front of me because you bounced around there like I was a non-factor and guys noticed that shit. I started out the conversation with “I’m not criticizing and I’m not tryin got modify your behavior…” the fact that you’re so fucked in the head that you either don’t believe me or can’t accept that my words are true given all of the evidence? That’s on you not me. I’m not talking about demanding trust just because. I’m talking about the mountains of evidence that I respect you and haven’t once tried to control or possess you.

You: What evidence

Me: Let’s start out with the fact that I told you in the beginning of our cohabitation that I would never ask you to be monogamous. I followed it up with “I think it’s unethical and immoral for anyone to tell anyone else what they can or cannot do with their own body. You can tell them how you feel about it and you can tell them whether you can accept what they want to do or have done but telling then they can/can’t do something is wrong in my book. I need to be free to express my feelings about it though without being judged or without you thinking I’m judging because I’m sure at some point there will be something that happens that I’ll have views on and we should be able to discuss it without things getting misconstrued.” Do you remember that?

What about the fact that I paid for my wife to got to the UK to see her boyfriend on a regular cadence 3 trips since December. Does that sound like someone controlling and possessive? How about the fact that I didn’t bring up the office with chuck’s shit in it, or the bathroom with the medicine cabinet? Any of that say “controlling and posessive”? But you see one sign of me standing up for myself and somehow in your head it’s me getting possessive instead of me wanting to get clarity on why it is that you don’t know how to respect and honor your agreements or me as your partner?

I’m the easiest going guy you’ll find that actually has a spine. Anyone who’s more easy going than I am is probably just a simp. I am nobody’s simp. If you can’t tell the difference between me having a backbone and being controlling then you need serious psychological assistance. I’m not kidding. Not a shaman, not a fucking bruheria, or a priestess. A psychiatrist or a psychologist with deep knowledge of and experience treating behavioral disorders.

You : how was I abusive?

Me : What?

You: you said earlier that I was abusive. I want to know how.

Me: Do you remember yelling at me in that conversation on Friday? You asked a question and immediately followed it with “it’s a legitimate question!!” ?

You: yeah! You said it’s your alexithymia but you made a really shitty facial expression right as I was asking the question. You were obviously mocking me

Me: oooooor, I’m autistic. You were upset and I’m trying intently to listen to everything you’re saying because I don’t pick up context from you vocal inflections or the micro expressions on your face. Those things are almost completely missing for me. I have to put effort into hearing your words. I put in so much effort because you were clearly upset. I don’t have the cognitive bandwidth to listen that intently, worry about your emotional stat, AND keep my facial expression neutral for you. Sorry that is just the way my brain works.

You: yeah well most people would think the same thing

Me: yeah, but most people haven’t been told by their partner who is autistic that this is a concern and you need to understand that when it happens I’m not being an asshole, I’m just autistic. Most people once hearing, in the moment, that it’s a result of their autism would accept that but you berated me and became more hostile and more file.

You: Why didn’t you tell me it was your autism

Me: I did and you yell at me saying “oh! So now you get to win every argument with — but my brain doesn’t work that way “ and you said it in a really shitty mocking tone. Not to mention the whole reason it was an issue in the first place was that when I told you I had alexithymia you dismissed it saying that you had seen me make the full range of human emotional expression. News flash! That’s narcissistic invalidation while at the same time being gaslighting. Both of which are psychologically abusive and particularly damaging for autistic people who are constantly told by their parents and peers that what they experience isn’t real.

You: I didn’t know

Me: You didn’t know because you chose not to listen to me and accept what I was telling you as your partner who wanted to be there for you and meet your emotional needs. You fucked that up all on your own. I communicated with you in an open and honest manner. You chose to be secretive and make assumptions and shit.

You: I’m sorry

Me: Were you sorry when you packed up all of my shit and kicked me out of our home? Were you sorry when you yelled at me after dinner in a completely unnecessary argument that you started because you jumped to conclusions instead of having open honest communication? Were you sorry when I told you what I was thinking and you derided my autism with an ableist statement like “why can’t you just….” And followed it with some shit I’d already told you I couldn’t do because I’m autistic and my brain actually doesn’t work that way? All of this shit happened after you left me that note saying “I am with you; You are safe with me”. Do you remember what I told you when you asked my why those two phrases meant so much to me compared to the others you went through?

You: no. I can’t remember

Me: I told you that it means we can talk through issue. I’m autistic and am often misunderstood. I focus on details that other people miss and miss details that others think are important. Because of this there are many chances for things to get twisted and to me that phrase (you are safe with me) is saying that I don’t have to worry that me being autistic and thinking differently is going to cause an issue that we can’t resolve. Look where we are now.

I should have known I was never safe with you.

I could go on but I think I’ve made my point.