Hey there, it’s a bit odd; me writing after a month of basically zero contract with M. During that time I’ve been trying to figure out who I am as a person and obsessively analyzing what happened in the breakdown of our relationship.

This letter is intended to serve two purposes. The first is to thank you for inviting me to your home and family event. I regret that I was not afforded the opportunity to attend due to the rapid decline of the relationship between M and myself. I had an instant affinity for you E and a respect for you W and thought of you both in the context of family I would grow to know over time.

The second purpose (of this missive) is to serve as my accountability statement and explanation for the things that transpired during and after the breakup. I said and did things that were intentionally hurtful to M and if you’ll grant me a moment of indulgence I’d like to explain.

Why?

• Why now? — Simply put I’ve been depressed and unable to function. This is the first time in weeks that I’ve be able to put a coherent string of thoughts together.
• Why you? — I’m from the south. We do things differently there and when a man courts a woman he takes on certain unspoken responsibilities. Part of those responsibilities is standing to account for your treatment of said woman. If M grew up with brothers that I’d met, I’d stand in front of them and tell them that I’m sorry things didn’t work out. They’d swing on me. I’d take the blow and state my piece. You’re the closest she has to that and I respect you both. I didn’t drive over because I’m pretty sure I’ve been painted with the brush of evil monster.
• Why any of this? — I don’t mind people hating me, thinking poorly of me, or being completely indifferent about me. If I’m going to be loathed, though, I’d rather be loathed for the asshole I am and not the asshole I’m assumed to be. Because there have been two attempts on my life because of women claiming that I did something I never did (back in high school) this situation with M had my anxiety super high. PTSD is something I’ve dealt with for years. Also, I have friends and acquaintances in your area and there’s a non-zero chance that we may run into each other. I’d like to clear the air, state my piece and hopefully you accept it. If not, at least I can say that I made an honest attempt to be transparent.

What not

I am autistic and this presents multiple problems. The first is that most people have no idea what it is to be autistic and explaining takes much time. Secondly, we tend to “info dump” and discuss things publicly that others think of as “over sharing”. Third autistic people go through life being constantly and perpetually misunderstood. To address/mitigate this we sometimes use more words and say things multiple times in very slightly different ways making things longer and more drawn out then they need to be (my apologies for the length of this letter. I hope you’ll bear with me). We tend to speak in flat plain direct language. Most “normal” people use inflection, innuendo, body language, and contextual cues to say as much nonverbally as they say with their words. Because we regularly don’t do this people often try to read between the lines of what we’re saying without realizing that there is no “between the lines” to read in most cases.

With the above out of the way let me state that this letter is only about thanking you, standing to account for what I’ve done, and providing an explanation as to why I behaved the way I did. I make no excuses only provide clarification.

This is not about:

• Causing division, spreading rumors, starting drama, or any other bullshit — near a I can tell you are the only family M has that she feels any sort of connection with and I don’t want her to lose that.
• Trashing the person I loved — you’ll see below me describe her as abusive and as my abuser. This is simple matter of fact statement. She got incredibly toxic and abusive at the end of our relationship and I’ll provide context without dragging her through the mud.
• Being heard, venting, or a pity party — below I discuss my history of abuse and the ways it relates to the betrayal I felt by the way M handled things. I do this mainly to provide context. I’m not asking anyone to feel sorry for me or kiss my emotional booboos. To explain things context is needed and unfortunately that get’s into personal stuff that’s totally a violation of the unwritten bro code which says something like “handle your own shit, don’t burden others with your baggage” Sorry W. I do get into some emotional feels stuff.

I do also want to get an idea of whether you might be able to help me with eggs but more on that later. For now I hope you can understand and accept that I have no ulterior motive. I want to explain myself and hopefully if we run into each other around town, you can flip me off for being the asshole I am instead of the asshole you heard that I was.

The demise

I don’t want to speak for M but it’s pretty clear that at some point she was struggling with the emotional component of our relationship. One condition that manifests itself with my autism is alexithymia which is complex and rather than give a full explanation here, I’ll mention that there is a great video on YouTube about it by Dr. Tracey Marks (8 minutes and 32 seconds) called “Emotional Blindness and other Signs of Alexithymia”. That explains everything you need to know but I don’t expect you to go do research. The short of it is that:

• I don’t show my emotional state in body language and facial expressions the way most other people do
• I don’t pick up on emotional cues (like body language and facial expressions) the way other people do
• It takes time for me to process my feelings and emotions and frequently I benefit from writing things down to organize my thoughts about my feelings

Partners of those with ASD/ASC (autism spectrum disorder/condition) can go through a something called Cassandra Syndrome where they feel emotionally starved. In the best case scenario this is caused by the neuropsychology of the autistic person being task and fact oriented while that of the non-autistic person is emotion and feeling oriented. It’s not uncommon for wives of autistic husbands to think that they have married a narcissist, a sociopath, an emotionally distant person, or (in cases where there has been complex post-traumatic stress with unresolved emotional baggage) a controlling and possessive asshole.

I wasn’t aware of the term (Cassandra Syndrome) until I wrote a poem about the breakup called “I was never safe with you” and posted it to an online group for autistic people and their non-autistic partners. Just from reading the poem (included separately) several people responded with statements like “another sad case of Cassandra Syndrome, What did she accuse you of being; a narcissist, a sociopath, emotionally void?”

With all of the above laid out it’s not difficult to imagine that M with her unresolved issues related to H had higher emotional needs than I’m used to dealing with. She never seemed to take seriously the fact that I’m autistic and regularly dismissed my concerns about alexithymia and the way we communicate. It is not the case that I’m incapable of meeting her needs emotionally but it is the case that I need help. I need to be told when she’s upset because I can’t read it on her voice half the time. I need to not be judged for the look on my face because I’m not mocking you, I’m focused on your words with such intensity because your words are how I get a sense of what is going on. My face doesn’t reflect what I’m thinking or feeling unless I actively try to make it do so. When I’m focused on your feelings my facial expressions take a backseat to my ears listening to every word you say. Depending on the environment where the conversation is happening my face may go disturbingly and unsettlingly blank. This isn’t because I don’t care it’s because as an autistic person, sensory input can be very intense and trying to filter out the anxiety inducing environment and listen to my partner who I love and care about can max out my available capacity for “pretending to be normal” aka “masking”.

M and I kept having conversations where she’d express her frustration with my level of emotional support and I’d keep saying to her that I need help. I want to be there for you but I can’t do that if you won’t work with me. She seemed incredulous at the thought that I literally couldn’t tell sometimes when she was upset and would ask for clarification. I can only imagine how incredibly frustrating it was for her to know that someone cares enough to be sitting there listening to what you’re saying but they aren’t giving you what you need/want emotionally.

At first there was general incredulity and dismissal. Over time, she got spiteful and explosive until ultimately she got down right toxic and abusive. When I would try to meet her needs by asking clarifying questions, instead of showing compassion and being understanding she would become hostile and nasty.

“I’m sorry I can’t tell if that’s a statement or a question, could you please clarify?”

…silence…

…arms folded…

“I don’t know how to respond or move forward. If that’s a question then I’d have to say…”

“I told you already!!”

“I’m sorry but I didn’t hear a response to the question of whether it was a statement or a question”

If you are intentionally being an asshole you might do what I did just to get under someone’s skin. You might also do what I did if you’re autistic and want to support your partner but need to know what they are actually trying to say since the tone of their voice and the body language they have are completely opaque to you. In effect by trying to communicate better with someone who doesn’t believe you need help you make them more likely to treat you like shit.

Because I don’t look like stereotypical depictions of an autistic person, people don’t think to extend to me the same level of understanding and compassion they would for a person who more closely resembles what they think of in their head as the “retarded” person. I get how difficult it can be to reconcile someone being erudite with the idea that I can’t intuit something as simple as whether a phrase like “so you’re saying that you need special treatment” is a question or a statement when uttered in an emotionally charged conversation. It’s easy to see it as a bunch of manipulative BS if you don’t trust that your partner is in fact on your side and wants to give you what you need.

It’s also easy to see how someone in M’s position could grow resentful and not feel open to discussing things in an open and honest fashion with the person they perceive to be the asshole who is withholding from them and then see every interaction as confirmation of that original faulty assumption.

• We went out to Art Bar and she bounced around from group to group (all men) and didn’t introduce me. She beckoned a guy over and had a 5 minute long conversation in front of me without introducing me. As a guy I recognize that her conduct sends a very specific message that I’m not sure she intended to send but I don’t know maybe she did. Despite me saying “I’m not trying to criticize or modify your behavior…I need to know how you’d like for me to handle it if/when someone does something disrespectful in front of me”
  • In my autistic brain, I see a potential for confusion and misunderstanding and I want clarity so I ask a question.
  • To her there must be more than a simple question because no one would bring that up if they weren’t upset or trying to get me to change just like my abusive husband. Never mind the fact that my autistic boyfriend told me that he’s just seeking clarification. I can’t trust him I’ll jump to wild ass assumptions instead.
• When I moved in and started paying half the bills she told me what space was mine. We discussed this being “our home” and not just a place where I come to visit her. Shortly there after she reallocated the space she’d told me was “mine” not once, not twice, but three times. I mention to her that it feels like I’m being pushed out but that I need time to process my emotions and if there’s a problem worth discussing I’ll bring it up
  • In my head there was an agreement: I pay bills, this is our place, you allocated space to me. That agreement was modified multiple times to take space away from me but I’m still paying bills. The people who got the space weren’t paying bills. There was zero discussion as a “home” unit about how the space would be allocated. I’m paying for it one day and the next day I’m still paying for it but now it’s not mine and it belongs to someone who isn’t paying. My autistic brain doesn’t like unexpected change (that’s part of the reason I have 26 pairs of pants with the same basic layout).
  • In her head no it couldn’t possibly be that she yanked the rug out from under me and is being inconsiderate by taking things away from me without discussing them. It has to be that I’m jealous and possessive.
• When I told her that I was processing my feelings and trying to not see it as a slight she asked me not to be home while she dealt with some emotional stuff and it came up that she’d planned to spend time with a male friend during that time she got upset.
  • In my head I’m communicating honestly and clearly with my partner the way I told her that I would because I’m autistic and process my feelings out loud or in writing so that I can share what’s happening internally. I don’t emote the way other people do. If you try to read my body language or my facial expression there’s a really good chance you’ll be wrong so I over share and in the process I work out how I actually feel over time.
  • In her head — “oh my gosh he has a problem with a guy he must be jealous and controlling and possessive” not “oh yeah, I told my partner to not be at our home and invited someone else to spend time with me, it’s only natural that he’d express his feelings like he told me he would because he’s autistic. Maybe I should show some compassion instead of attacking him because I’m afraid that he’s judging me.
• At the end of that evening when she got upset and yelled at me for being “…more concerned with receiving facts that giving her a hug while she’s crying…”
  • In my head — “oh shit I’m sorry I was overwhelmed with all of the verbal attacks and abusive tactics you employed while you were upset. I legitimately didn’t know you were crying”
  • In her head — “see proof that he’s emotionally detached and probably judging me because he’s jealous and possessive”

In retrospect it’s not difficult to see how she jumped to the conclusion that I had become possessive and controlling. I hadn’t but how could she tell? She’d been in an abusive situation before where she didn’t get good results from being open and honest. She saw something that looked similar and chose not to be open and honest. At least that’s what it looks like to me. I can’t speak for her and she’s not speaking to me so I can’t say for certain.

The point(s) of no return

At some point she became so convinced that I was a controlling and possessive person that she gave herself permission to be shitty to me. She didn’t speak to me for two days (silent treatment) except to yell at me for things she’d misunderstood or taken in the wrote possible light (whatever happened to “you are safe with me”?). She made wild accusations about my words and/or motives (gaslighting); refused to give me clarity on anything I asked about (stonewalling); and much much more.

I want to be charitable and say that she only did those things because she thought ai was a monster and she was just protecting herself because she’d convinced herself into thinking I was then same brand of monster that H was. Whatever the case, she chose not to be open and honest with me at some point despite telling me that I was safe with her. She used my openness and honesty against me by choosing to see what I said in the worst possible lite and not once showing compassion for the autistic guy who’s trying to give their partner the support they so clearly need but can’t figure it out because their partner is being really shitty to them in the process.

This whole time (the last 7 days of our relationship) I’m holding on to the “you are safe with me” statement. When she picked that one we went through a list of statements where she asked me which was more meaningful and with that one in particular I told her that as a neurodivergent person I’m constantly misunderstood and saying “you are safe with me” indicates that no matter what we can communicate in an open and honest manner about any issues that come up. Communication is very important to me. When she left the note to me that said “you are safe with me” I thought that it was an indication that she accepted me for the autistic person I am.

When she kicked me out and became emotionally distant I started seeing things in the light of someone who had been duped.

She told me I was safe with her and then she kicked me out 7 days later.

She started completely ridiculous arguments and overwhelmed me with verbal attacks and ableist derision when I’d point out that my autistic brain was having difficulty keeping up or needed clarification.

She took my money as a provider (man brain here) and allocated my provisions to others without discussing it with me in an open and forthright manner. She even joked several times about me being her sugar daddy and her being a sex worker given our living arrangement and my tendency to buy gifts.

When she kicked me out she refused to communicate with me in any but the coldest and cruelest of emotionally detached manners. This hit particularly hard because we’d discussed in the beginning that if things didn’t work out with the relationship I wouldn’t just be kicked out. Yet here she is kicking me out without talking to me about anything (how is this me being safe with you again?)

The kicker though was her gaslighting me by telling me over and over again that I’d changed my views on her hooking up with guys and that I’d become controlling and possessive. She couldn’t give me a single example of anything I actually did that was controlling and/or possessive just the assumptions she was making because she never accepted that I’m fucking autistic.

• Cause an argument

• 5/30 — She tells “I’m with you. Your are safe with me”
• Sometime thereafter she says she’d like for me to not be at the house for my normal time there on Sunday and Monday so she can have time for herself. She indicated that she was struggling emotionally.
• 6/5 – she asks me if I’d like to take her out for dinner
  • She get’s up set about me processing feelings out loud about me not being
  • She yells at me for not jumping through the right hoops when she’s crying
  • I send her a message saying that I don’t trust her to not take what I say out of context and will instead write things down and share them with her so that we can communicate in a more fair manner.
  • 6/6 — she attacks me verbally

Autistic people are much more likely than the general population to be subject to certain types of abuse. I was perpetually abused as a child physically, psychologically, and sexually. That is to say that there was an array of abuse I grew up with and not all of the abuse came from the same sources. My mother abused me physically and psychologically; My cousin, sexually and psychologically; my teacher psychologically; and so on. I have been in and out of therapy for decades learning to communicate, process my feelings, speak to people using neutral non-accusatory language, master my resolve, and increase impulse control. I’m very much aware of what’s going on with me and have a very strong sense of agency and managing my boundaries.

When M told me that she was dissolving our cohabitation I was baffled and devastated. There was a cascade of betrayals that I felt were represented in that one act and the preceding 7-10 days of abusive treatment.

• Rejection —
  • On the 29th you say “you are safe with me” then you kick me out 7 days later. Not only is that rejection but it’s like a setup for a big fall.
  • I’m autistic. I’ve told you that I need help to give you what you need. You treat me poorly because I’m not giving you what you want but I can’t give you what you want because you refuse to take my autism seriously. You get pissed, jump to conclusions, and kick me out of our home. I read this as I’m too autistic for you to accept.
  • You said to trust you with my communication. I did and you jumped to the worst possible conclusion almost every time
    • I tell you that I’m taking a break from checking text messages but that if you need me to please call me. You take that as me telling you not to text me instead of realizing that I’m autistic. We have a problem regulating our emotions with disappointment. When I check messages and don’t hear from you it makes me sad. We’re not currently speaking so I have an intense desire to feel connected and constantly checking my messages and NOT seeing anything from you is emotionally damaging. But sure go ahead and assume that I’m pulling a “power play” like the controlling possessive asshole you assume me to be.
    • I ask if you’re changing the subject when I receive a random text message from you that is confusing. Rather than think “oh that’s right he’s autistic with dyslexic processing, changes in subject or any change for that matter can be confusing and disorientating” you jump to attacking me for “impugning” your character which is still baffling to me
    • I share with you my thoughts telling you that it’s a scratch pad for things that we can discuss because our last conversation was emotionally charged and I want to share openly and honestly with you then thoughts I have since as an autistic person I’m incapable of conveying the emotion i feel in a way that is understandable to most people, something we’d discussed multiple times in the past. Of course to you none of that matters. You assume that I’m yelling at you and take everything out of context and don’t give me an opportunity to discuss anything.
• Trust —
  • I thought it was safe to be myself with her because she told me I could trust her. In fact when I tried explaining to her that my alexithymia made it anxiety inducing to pay her compliments because I wouldn’t want her to misread my tone or facial expression during such a sensitive moment and she dismissed my concerns saying “so you don’t trust me”. I tried to explain that it’s not about trusting her it’s about knowing my history and the ways things have gone wrong before. She looked offended that I’d take into consideration my lived experience. I told her then that I’d radically trust her. I did and she kicked me out
• Emasculation — I was supposed to be her protector, provider, and problem solver. She kicked me out after telling me I was safe with her and me opening myself up. I shared with her things that I would have never shared if I’d known that she wasn’t able to see me for who I am, an autistic kid with a bunch of scars from a lifetime of abuse.
• Verbal abuse — I never expected to see such contempt in the eyes of a woman I love directed at me. Your sister can be incredibly shitty to someone who isn’t giving her what she wants. I’ll spare you the details other than to say that I genuinely wanted to have an open and honest conversation and my inquiries were met with derision and scorn. it’s understandable if she had convinced herself that I was the bogeyman but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt like hell to be pleading for a conversation from your (former) partner and her response is just vitriol.
• Emotional abuse — Autistic people are often characterized as being emotionless or lacking empathy. The reality is that we tend to be hyper empathetic. We feel more but display less. Whether she intended to or not the last 7 days of our relationship included many of the toxic emotional abuse tactics used by narcissistic abusers:
  • Gaslighting — telling me that I’m thinking/doing things that I’m not actually thinking/doing (“you changed your perspective on me hooking up…”). Even if you really think that’s the case you can 1) talk to the about it and 2) say it in a way that doesn’t gaslight me like “you seem to have changed…” or “…it’s pretty clear to me that you’ve changed…” small difference in words but a world of difference in meaning and psychological affect
  • Silent treatment — days of anguish with zero reassurance. Especially damaging to me because I’d spoken with M about the way my mother used to use this before beating me. I would have thought she’d have dealt with my emotions a little more carefully
  • Stonewalling — when I got to the house and wanted to talk to her she acted as if I was beneath contempt. She refused to give me anything I could use to try to orient myself in a world where she’d just kicked me out of our home and I had no idea why. All I needed was something to go on “hey I can’t talk to you now because I’m too upset but let’s get a therapist involved and speak in two weeks” or “I love you but it’s clear I need more than you can give me so I need a change. I’ll talk to you in a couple of days with a plan to move forward with a new definition of our relationship” anything.. instead I got more anxiety inducing coldness
  • Ableism and derision — The number of times I was attacked for doing something “autistic” is comical. I say comical because the alternative is tragic. Over the 10 days at the end of things M multiple times said things like “…can’t you just…”
    • “can’t you just come to me and ask instead of sitting up there worrying…” — no, I’m autistic. I wasn’t worrying I was considering the possibilities
    • “can’t you just say that instead of going all around…” — no I’m autistic. My brain doesn’t work that way
  • At one point I wanted to say “what you’re doing to me is the equivalent of asking a paraplegic if they can’t just run alongside you because your legs work”.

I could go on and on (some might assert that I already have). The bottom line is that because of my history and the CPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) that I have the breakup started to look like the very specific type of abuse I’ve been a target for as an adult with autism. In the UK it’s so common that they have a term for it “mate crime”. Basically people befriend someone with autism to exploit them for sex, money, status, whatever. I was seeing abuse from someone who days ago told me that they loved me. A week ago they said I was safe with them and now they’ve kicked me out and are treating me like I’m less than a piece of shit. Cue psychological break. I said and did thing that I’m not proud of. I acted out because I was hurt and the shittiest part is that I did so from the passenger side. It was a full on post-traumatic stress episode where M was mapped on to the role of abuser.

I’m sure that for her the stuff I said and things I did were confirmation that I was the bogeyman she’d cooked up in her head from her past with H. Part of that is perfectly understandable since I picked things that I knew would hurt her. I wish I could take it all back. PTS is a bitch.

The aftermath

I tried to message M to apologize for my bullshit and let her know that I figured out what she’d been dealing with. I thought “ok I’ll explain to her the issue with emotional blindness and how she got abusive at the end and how it triggered my break….” and she refused to talk to me. I’ve typed it all out as text messages and only received “stop messaging me” as a response.

I thought that at some point she’d realize that I tried to prevent us from ending up exactly where we did and maybe we’d talk about what we each could have done better but she has refused to communicate with me which has has the unfortunate side effect of continuing the silent treatment. In order to move on and try to heal I’ve had to foreclose the idea that she and I would ever resolve things. If we’d spoken in a reasonable amount of time (days to a couple of weeks), I could have been ok.. hurt but ok with the bullshit I went through at the hands of someone who didn’t trust me enough to have an open and honest conversation about our relationship. Instead she’s now cemented in my head as the abuser. I have much practice at emotionally detaching from the abuser. It’s a pattern I know well. It’s also irreversible. Whatever else I may see her as, she’ll always be an abuser to me. I didn’t want that but I also couldn’t keep hoping against hope that we’d one day reconcile.

The rejection for being autistic has shaken my confidence and the PTS episode completely dissolved my ability to mask the way I had been before. I am not more “autistic seeming” than before because my system got overwhelmed and I experienced a condition known as Adult Autistic Regression.

When I was first able to exit the fetal position I started trying to write (it’s how I express myself) and I managed to spit out a poem that encapsulates much of what I shared with you here. I posted it to a group for autistic people and their partners. The response I got was incredibly positive and encouraging. So many people had been through the exact same dynamic with a partner of theirs. I found out there that the emotional starvation that M was experiencing had a name (Cassandra Syndrome) and so much more.T

Through the interactions with that community I decided to create a resource that chronicles my journey of accepting that I had a relationship end because my partner didn’t trust me enough to take my autism seriously. It would have been nice if such a resource existed for me when I was struggling. It’s oversharing, it’s raw, and it’s incredibly freeing but also uncomfortable for people in my life to view. I basically went from being able to pass for white to being militantly pro-black except for autism. All this time I thought that passing for neurotypical was an advantage and this situation with M called all of that into question and now I’m blatantly and unapologetically forward about being autistic. I don’t mask the way I used to and many people are not able to deal with the new me because they never really accepted that I was autistic in the first place. I don’t know what the end result will be but at least there will be something there for others to learn from one way or another.

What now

I want to be clear here that this is about me clearing the air with the family of the woman I had intended to spend the rest of my life with. This has nothing to do with her other than that bit. To you she is family and I respect that, to me she is an abuser. Other than wishing her well, hoping that she can heal, and wanting the remainder of June’s rent (the difference between what I took out of our joint account and what I had actually paid for all of June) I have no reason to deal with her. There is no animus just a realization that she was incredibly unhealthy for me and it’s going to take me years to heal from the way that relationship ended.

You can believe me or not. You can chose to loathe me or not for any reason or no reason at all. I think that she is currently safe in her delusion that she successfully navigated herself out of a controlling and possessive situation by the skin of her teeth. I don’t know that there is any value in disabusing her of that notion. You are her family and I’ve decided to stop putting the well-being of my abusers above my own.

On to business

I’m hoping you can help me with eggs. I need to get a source for about 60 eggs a week. I eat about a dozen a day and I fast for 1-3 days a week so I’m hoping that if you can’t or aren’t willing to supply me (for obvious reasons), you might be able to put me in touch with someone who can. I’d prefer not to have to go to Elkhorn or East Troy but it’s more important that I get a steady supply than that I avoid facing my fears.

Also is there a way I can buy some of that apple pie preserve?

If you’d rather not have anything to do with me, I totally get it. I only ask that you tell me directly in a straightforward manner as I do not do well with subtlety and hints.