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I have had about 4 hours of malaise followed by extreme bouts of nihilism and sorrow. The cycles goes something like this: During the few hours in point 7 there’s pacing, crying, self-loathing, contemplation, resolve to not give up, and more pacing.

This is a great break down of the anecdotal experience many people have with Emotional Blindness. My experience is quite different but parts of what she discusses really resonate with me. This video on the other hand brings it all home. The part where she discusses the example of two people having lunch is exactly…

For those of you who have found this place because of the poem I posted, thank you. I appreciate you stopping by. As I don’t advertise this little corner of solace. I don’t expect to see many visitors in my server logs but am pleasantly surprised when the number of visitors increases. Let’s be better…

Today I got taken off a project at work because I’ve been “…too distracted and melancholy…” I can’t blame them. I was getting the work done but communicating about it was an issue. When I go through PTS episodes I lose the ability to mask. My autistic traits become more pronounced. I do more fidgeting.…

I don’t subscribe to the idea of self hatred but I do relate the the concepts and feelings discussed therewith. I definitely relate to the feeling of being a burden and the whole acceptance complex. Part of what I’m struggling with in the breakup with M is that she told me that I was safe…

Fuck it! I need help. Years of therapy to deal with childhood trauma and abuse then therapy for relationship problems then therapy for fallout from abuse as an adult. Now therapy because the relationship that I thought would be forever ended without me even having an opportunity to say anything about it. I though the…

Someone from the main autism group I’m in suggested that I script a conversation with M. I guess the idea is to have the conversation that I wish we’d had before things got to the point of no return. A number of people said it helped them get closure by having the conversation they were…

M. and I used to love listening to funk, soul, disco-funk, etc. like Gap Band, Isley Brothers, etc. I found out a while back that Earth Wind and Fire was going to be performing at SummerFest and thought “hey I’ll surprise her with a trip to see them”. She ended things between us the week…

I can’t go through an exhaustive list of every single instance of abuse that I was subject to by M. I also want to make it clear that I do not believe (for now) that she was intentionally abusive in every case. People are both complex and complicated. When she and I got together, I…

I’m torn. When I started with this whole thing. I thought “great now I have an outlet for my grieving process” but honestly two things have changed my perspective and the related need for mourning the loss of my relationship with M. I don’t know what to do from here. I still want to process…