The previous messages were from June of 2023. Here is it at the end of the year (six months and 1 week later) and she sends me a bullshit “well wishing” message that first made me think first caused me extreme panic. I don’t know if you have been subject to repeated abuse by someone that you love but in my case it first happened with my cousin. I never knew which version of him I’d get but he was always pleasant in front of the family. When we were alone it was a whole Jekyll and Hyde thing. I was 5 at the time. So I’d be abused in private then in public he’d be exceedingly pleasant and polite. It made for a level of anxiety that I can’t explain in words. The whole world felt unsafe. When I would try to talk to people about how unsafe I felt they said it was all in my head, that I was too young to know what I was talking, that my cousin was the real victim because I was making wild accusations. M’s behavior mirrors that experience exactly. She abused me in private while playing the role of victim. Which as a white female works very much in her favor.

M, here is your response

No, my family and I are not doing well. I lost a $12K as a result of being taken off that project I was working on. The bonus was for landing new business. I had been extended for another 6 months but was taken off the project due to “a sudden and inexplicable inability to communicate effectively”. Why was I unable to communicate effectively? Well you see, I’m autistic. I had confided in the person who I thought was my partner at the time and she bullied me for being autistic by saying things like “why can’t you…like a normal person” and “you don’t get to win every argument by saying ‘my brain doesn’t work like that’!” And “why don’t you …like a person with a normal fucking brain”. This would’ve have affected me in most cases but you see, this person had played on my sympathies by seeming to be emotionally vulnerable. They also told me that I was safe with them. Then, when I was trying to support them while they were going through emotional turmoil my autistic brain focused on being there for them and not on protecting me psychologically because we (autistics) have a tendency to trust those that we care about to our own detriment. This is well documented so I’m not going to provide citations. Google it if you’re ignorant.

So there’s the 12k bonus I was supposed to get but missed out on because of the psychological abuse I wet through. There was the weeks and weeks of intensive therapy I had to undergo because I told someone I was autistic, they told me I was safe with them, then they not only bullied me for being autistic but they also lied about me and discarded me in the cruelest manner possible.

Multiple times I expressed the need for emotional safety, thinking that the person I love who told me I was safe, might be a half way decent human being and stop being mean, stop treating me like an enemy when I’d done nothing wrong. What did they do instead? They double checked their homework. They asked me how to maximally destabilize me emotionally just to make sure their tactics were effective.

My whole life I’d been subject to weird looks and wild assumptions because of my “emotional blindness” and “dead eyes” and “inappropriate emotional response” which are all part of my ASD. I knew that I did’t mesh well with people’s expectations and for certain people we just would never get past that weird feeling of no clicking. What I had, though was an ability to pass for normal for most people most of the time because I’d taken it on myself to adapt to the way other people think. It wasn’t perfect but it worked 90% of the time in most situations. Then the person who told me that they accepted me for me treated me like shit specifically for the things that are the most me thing about me. It fucked up my view of how to navigate the world. I became a recluse, I got dysregulated, my sensory input issues because a roll of the dice because I never knew whether my skin would be too sensitive to walk through air without feeling like I was on fire or whether I could manage if I wore long sleeves in the middle of the fucking summer to reduce the wind contact.

I’ve now taken to telling every person upfront “hey I’m autistic, if there’s something I do that makes you feel uncomfortable or makes you think I’m being an asshole, understand that just because I’m articulate doesn’t mean that I’m not like that little kid quietly rocking in the corner mumbling to themselves that you think of stereotypically. I just happen to be hyper verbal and they are nonverbal. That’s it, please treat me with the same understanding and compassion you’d extend to them”. Do you have any idea how awkward that is? Or how unsettling it is to people around me when I shudder/shiver out the blue like when you used to rub my back? See when I did that it was a response to being overwhelmed by sensory input. I put up with it because I loved you and enjoyed your touch but it was actually excruciatingly painful. Now that happens just from existing with air around me. My clothing is uncomfortable now because I’ve been so dysregulated as a result of the traumatic bullshit you put me through that I can’t be around people without extreme anxiety and a need to stim. Before I met you I had OCD, ADHD, and Autism (with Auditory processing disorder, sensory input issues, alexithymia, and inappropriate emotional response) now I have generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder.

My wife had to watch me go through weeks of depression (something more likely for people with ADHD than the general population; also something more likely for people with OCD than the general population) and obsession over what I might have done differently. Oh yes, that’s another thing the unrelenting obsessive thoughts that came with the autistic dysregulated; yeah thanks for that. My OCD had been in check my whole life up until I dealt with your bullshit. In fact when I was diagnosed they called it “Obsessive Psychological Profile” because my coping mechanisms mitigated the effects such that my daily life wasn’t affected. I had the option and I chose NOT to be labeled as OCD but I met all of the criteria. Now because you decided to message me I will have a whole new cycle of bullshit running through my head for the next 3-6 months reliving all of your abusive bullshit every day. Thanks for that. You really do give more than you should.

Let me be unambiguous in saying this. Do not contact me, do not apologize, do not justify, do not reach out to me in any way whatsoever. You are abusive and I do not want you in my life at all. Let’s talk about why:

For whatever reason Meghan is under the impression that I made a big stink about the drawer when you and I both know that I had calmly said that we had an agreement about this being a 50/50 partnership and it felt like you were changing the terms on me and pushing me out by making it 50% yours and forcing me to fit in the 50% you were sharing between me and whoever else you were seeing. You said you’d tell Meghan that she couldn’t have the drawer and I told you that I wanted her to feel welcome in our home and that I didn’t want you to tell her that because I knew what it felt like to be told one thing and then to have the rules changed on you without notice. I don’t know what the fuck you said to her but I know it wasn’t anywhere near the truth because her response to me made it very clear that you did what most people with BPD do. They lie to you to keep you and lie about you to leave you. It’s a common and well documented pattern.

Oh and just so you know, I can prove what I said. I’d recommend asking your lawyer to issue a request for production of the recording during discovery so you know what you’re up against.

Here I’ll say that you display signs of BPD and Antisocial Personality disorder. I’m not in the business of diagnosing people but it’s clear that you need psychological and possibly psychiatric intervention and I hope you get it. Not for your sake but so that you don’t ruin other people’s lives the way your behavior has ruined mine. Back to Meghan: I’ve never regarded her as a person of particularly potent intellect but I doubt she is doltish enough to completely misconstrue any version of any telling remotely close to the truth in such a way as to come up with this response:

“Her own dresser” ?!?! Was she not made aware of the fact that I was paying rent specifically for that dresser, the office upstairs, the space in the closet, half of the medicine cabinet, et al? How can I be “Controlling and possessive” when I was literally paying to control and possess space that I willingly gave up to make her feel welcome in our home? Oh also, apparently she didn’t know it was “our home” based on her idiotic comments about how you spend your time. You told me that you were very clear with your social sphere about the nature of our relationship and our cohabitation. When you told me that you weren’t telling Meghan about your attempts to get with Teryn because you didn’t want her to feel threatened by a new relationship I asked if there were things you were keeping from me in order to spare my feelings and you said “no! She’s just my girlfriend. You’re my partner I share everything with you”. All evidence to the contrary.

I am filing suit against you for Defamation of Character, Intentional infliction of emotional distress, fraud, breach of contract, and am o the fence about naming both you and Meghan in an unintentional infliction case. My recommendation is that you get a lawyer. I will take correspondence from a lawyer via email at either gcw@toxictonya.com or gcw@meghanstaszak.com both are domains where I will details my dealings with the both of you as a warning to others with autism as well as black men given the way you unjustly tarred me with a brush that is very dangerous for black men without me having done anything to deserve it. Your attack on me was not only abusive and bullying (re autism) but it was also racist and dangerous to me as a black male.

You do not deserve my attention. You do not deserve my respect. You do not deserve my mercy. Gets a lawyer, get yourself into treatment for your bullshit and get the fuck out of my life.

My message to M about this page/resposnse

Gavin’s response

Totally understandable response. I’m still willing to answer questions but I will not be reaching out to anyone else in that family again, although I do wish I could get more of that Apple Pie Jam that I used to spread on my breakfast muffin’s 🤤

Update: A number of my ND family have reached out to me about this post before I got a chance to share it. This is my response to the questions asked. It’s long and ramble-y but what do you expect, it’s me.

Update 2: response to questions about publicly discussing the law suit and the audio from the last conversation she and I had

My apologies for the poor audio quality on her side of the conversation. When I was talking to her she was halfway across the room for most of the time and my AirPods don’t pick up far audio very well. That;s why you can hear the cat more loudly than the bitch. I’m working on getting the audio filtered and denoised so you can hear her better but for now, I’d recommend listening with earphones at max volume or downloading the audio and cleaning it up yourselves. I wish I had a better solution for you.

Quick responses to questions as I was signing off:

• No, I’m not claiming that she (M) has BPD. I’m acknowledging that others are convinced that she has it from their own personal experience and it also maps cleanly onto my understanding of the condition. It’s not my job to diagnose people but I can recognize patterns and behaviors. I think of her behavior in terms of a useful framework and BPD fits for now. Maybe that will change
• No, I do not believe that anything I said about Meghan was inaccurate or cruel.
• No, I do not care whether they are together or not (M and Meghan) their relationship became inconsequential when they both decided to stop communicating with me
• No, I do not care bout the fallout of Daniell(a?) finding out that Rolando cheated on her with M. That’s between the three of them. I will make my case in court the best way I know how and that’s part of it.
• No, I do not care that M may never forgive me for rejecting her bullshit and speaking about her abuse publicly. I don’t want her in my life and anybody who abides her bullshit should stay out as well. If people want to get help for her, I’m willing to have a conversation with them about appropriate avenues to explore but beyond that my view is that she is fucked in the head in part because people don’t point out to her just how fucked in the head she really is. So those people can stay TF away from me.