For the majority of my life my autism has been the thing I hide to get along in the “normal” world. I’ve been so good at hiding is that people don’t believe me when I tell them that I’m autistic. On the surface this may seen like a good thing. The unfortunate result many times throughout my life has been people thinking I’m an asshole instead of autistic.

One example:

In an emotionally charged discussion with M. I was trying to explain my position on something. Not even half way through the explanation, I get interrupted by her saying “so you just [blah blah blah]”.

Now, I put “blah blah blah” there because this is exemplary of the model of interruption I face constantly from people who really really don’t get that I’m autistic despite me telling them that I am. It doesn’t matter what the “blah blah blah” really is. This basic structure is what’s important.

I responded with “I’m sorry but I can’t tell whether that’s a question or a statement”. I’ve told her multiple times that I frequently do not hear the color in people’s voices, especially when there is sensory input that overwhelms me and/or it’s an intense discussion/situation. When someone understands and accepts that you are autistic and may need a little bit of time, consideration, or compassion in a conversation it can still be challenging to discuss emotionally charged topics. It’s nearly guaranteed to end in tragedy if the other person does not have that acceptance and understanding because they will judge your need for clarity, your time processing your feelings, your facial expressions, your nervous ticks and stemming behaviors by the standards of a “normal” person.

You can’t possibly be asking them to repeat themselves because you have auditory processing disorder, or because you’ve overwhelmed with the empathic weight of your partner being upset and want to make sure that they are heard and that you are addressing the specific thing that is apparently important enough for them to have said it in the first place. No, you have to be the asshole who is trying to demonstrate to them how little you care about what they are saying that you didn’t listen the first time and are only making a cursory gesture about wanting to hear them at all. Even worse, maybe you’re making that gesture for the sole purpose of dismissing what they say the second time around to punctuate just how much you don’t care about what they have to say. Similarly, I couldn’t possibly be saying that about a statement vs a comment because I wanted to better understand my partner and address her concern. It had to be that I was being an asshole who didn’t deserve the patience, compassion, and understanding that someone would give to another person they understand to have a neurological developmental disorder.

From Passing to Cassing (Cassandrah Syndrome)

Making a manifest of your deficiencies, disorders, special needs, disabilities, differences, etc. to share with another person can be difficult at best. It’s made more difficult when you are emotionally invested in this person and their acceptance of you and your constellation of considerations. It’s made even more so when the person you’re sharing with has a habit of gaslighting and talking over you.

When you mask well and are articulate, and are successful by external measures of success to other people, it’s difficult to get some to take seriously the thought that you are somehow in need of special consideration. Imagine going to your spouse or parent and telling them something like “Hey, I have a condition called alexithymia and it means that I don’t always pick up on emotional cues” and getting a response like “ohhh I’m sure you are fully capable of picking up on everything, maybe you’re just tired”?

This is the plight of many ND people. It’s called Cassandra Syndrome.

Ironically the cassandra syndrome experience I had with M caused/contributed to her having cassandra syndrome in a weird way. She denied my autism and alexithymia which in turn meant that when I was trying to meet her needs, instead of helping me understand her better she blew up, became hostile, and verbally abusive. My response was to focus on facts and figures which is automatic for most men with alexithymia. That had the unfortunate effect to making her feel less heard and made her more enraged. In my case it caused the end of our relationship (or at least contributed in a major way).

Both feet in one sphere

I’m no longer standing with one foot in each sphere. I will instead be autism forward in everything that I do. The other day I had a neighbor say something like “I remember you saying that you had a little bit of autism…” I stopped her and said “I never said anything about being a little autistic or having a little bit of autism. It doesn’t work that way. I am autistic period”. She said “yeah but I don’t see you as retarded like those little autistic kids on TV.” I had to compose myself then said “Your inability to appreciate the complexities of my neurological condition is no more my burden than is my inability to understand the lack of depth in your intellect a burden of yours”

I’m sick of people dismissing me when I tell them that I’m autistic. I’m sick of masking just to get by. I will mask on my terms when I’m able. If you’re going to hate me for being an asshole. Hate me for being the asshole that I am not the asshole you misunderstand me to be because you didn’t believe me when I said I am autistic